69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
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