i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
Randomize
