I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
Randomize
