i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Randomize
