made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
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I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
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He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
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