I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
Randomize
