I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
Randomize
