Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
