party is dying down. we just wrote whore in the yard with gas. Photos to come.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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