My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
I didn't shave. On purpose
My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
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