dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
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