Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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