I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game?
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
Why can't burritos get me drunk
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
Randomize
