I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
Randomize
