No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
