i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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