They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
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