Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
I just forgot I was standing up.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
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