I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
Randomize
