Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
Just pee around me
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
Randomize
