He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
i find it depressing how it takes me longer to find a good video compared to the actual jacking off process.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
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