I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
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