You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
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