I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
Randomize
