you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
ugly people sure do ruin things
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
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