Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
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4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
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WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
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