I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
Randomize
