I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
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