I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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