I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
Randomize
