Moan for me like Helen Keller
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
Is Oprah even human
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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