i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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