My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
I meant the "stage" gay, Not the "bend me over and call me Gary" gay.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
Randomize
