today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Randomize
