Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
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