that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
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