You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize
