I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
