I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
Randomize
