the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
