So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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