I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
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