i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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