One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Randomize
