Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
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