Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
Randomize
