i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
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