just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
Randomize
