I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Randomize
