I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
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