Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
