those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
dpoing straight shots of jhameson. boys are imp ressed. i apologize
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Randomize
