Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
Floor bacon is actually really good
Randomize
