i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Randomize
