I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
Randomize
