i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
I may have discovered that porn hub is on my top visited sites during class this morning.
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
I think weed is turning my hair brown
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
Randomize
