I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize
