I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
