i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
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