Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Randomize
