Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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