Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
