i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
