I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
For what it's worth, your chances of anal go up the more she loves you. There's always a silver lining.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
