my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Randomize
