sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
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