I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
Randomize
