Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
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